This is a really predictable rant for this time of year, but I’m going to do it anyway.
I was in Sainsbury’s yesterday and I noticed that they’d started to put tinsel round the security barriers. On top of this a Christmas tree (yet to be decorated) stood proudly by the entrance to the store and a number of shelfs in the bakery section which usually stock a variety of chocolate cakes was now covered in mince pies.
IT’S TOO FUCKING EARLY!!!
I am of the opinion that Christmas should never be mentioned, no decorations put up or Christmas food and drink lines carried by shops until the start of Advent. That way, we won’t all be sick of Christmas by the time the 25th actually comes.
That said, it doesn’t affect me as much as if affects four particular groups of people in our society….
1. Small Children – When I was standing at the checkout of Sainsbury’s trying to decide on an answer to the challenging question ‘Would you like cashback?’ which prompts me to assess my current financial situation and plans for the next few days in order to decide whether I wil need money to spend and if I should be spending that money. This thought process should take a maximum of two seconds as the rather-attractive-but-prob
While this was going on, I heard a small child ask his father…
“Daddy… is it Christmas yet?”
This child was clearly placed into a state of confusion by the tinsel and the mince pies and Sainsbury’s had set him up for a fall when the answer came…
A child’s hopes, dreams and excitement dashed in an instant. Despite everything Sainsbury’s had been telling him, it wasn’t Christmas.
“Will it be Christmas soon?”
“No, not for another two months.”
“Oh… is that a long time?”
*sigh* “Yes, it is.”
And so the second most affected group are…
2. The parents of the small children mentioned above who have to put up with children getting excited every time they pass a shop with fairy lights in the window for the next two months, all the time knowing that Christmas is miles away.
3. Anyone who works in a shop – Whose workday will become oh so much more enjoyable as they will spend the next two months listening to ‘Simply The Best Christmas Album In The World (Volume 1)’ on loop to the point where they are so sick of ‘Merry Xmas Everyone’ that if they ever passed Noddy Holder in the street they would strangle him with the tinsel management thought it would be fun if they wore to work each day.
4. Noddy Holder – Who despite earning a fortune in royalties by sitting on his arse this time of year cannot leave the house in fear of tinsel wielding shop assistants.
The other members of Slade are safe as no one knows who they are.